I'm pretty much working straight through Christmas. I've been job-searching like a mad job-searching monkey recently, and I'll continue to do so. Though I still feel ambivalent, I'm getting increasingly desperate to find something else.

With any luck I will be reporting Christmas from TB's family headquarters. It will give me something to do if I need some alone time. Until then, FAT POWER!

Objectively, the only major source of stress in my life during the past year has been my job. (I doubt this is unusual for most people, but it is for me because in the past I have been either poor, unlucky in love, nearly homeless or some combination of those.) Despite that it's sometimes emotionally exhausting, I have been happy with it. I really do not want to leave my agency. I don't want to be anywhere else, leave the kids that I'm currently working with, or work within another program because the one I'm a part of now is rather unique and I so believe in it.

But here I am, having updated my resume, considering other options. Some of what is that I'm unhappy with can/will probably be resolved but the major issue is that I don't feel appreciated and I think that a lot of my value as an employee hasn't been recognized. Funny because I never even thought of that as something vitally important to me until now when, for the first time, I don't think I've had it. Maybe I'm too used to people telling me how awesome I am at work. Whether I get the warm and fuzzy feelings or not, I've become really concerned recently that I'm not going to have any opportunity to advance and, honestly, I get the feeling that some of my superiors don't think that much of me. I know what I'm capable of and how much I contribute and until now I thought that everyone else did too. It's been a little bit of a roller coaster the last few months dealing with cutbacks and such forced by the economy and I've considered leaving before but it always came back to feeling good about who I work with and the job that I do on a daily basis. Now, I think what it might come down to is that I could make more money and have better benefits starting somewhere else. It just makes me kind of sad, because I could give a shit about making a few more dollars an hour.

Nothing is really decided yet but I made a phone call yesterday and I'm pretty confident that I can snag a particular new job rather easily. Still...sad. So I don't know exactly what I'm going to do.

(For the record, I feel that it is rather douchey to complain about job issues when I have a job, possibly even job options.)

you try using the computer when this:



is staring back at you.

I hate long blogging absences. I get the urge to write to the internet but then I feel all this internal pressure to explain what I've done for the last 1/4 year when I come back. Things are not radically different. I would most likely have been complaining about the stresses of my job, changes with my family, and talking about my cats.

I did, however, enter into counseling for mild depression/anxiety, which was about as surprising to myself as pretty much anyone else. It was not a dramatic breakdown or emergency mental intervention by any means, but I took an honest look at myself and my feelings and found that something was not right. Basically, I took preventative measures to avoid going to a darker place and camping out there. It's been a learning experience really, which is funny because in the beginning I suspected that no one was going to tell me anything that I didn't already know, because I am sometimes a pompous ass. Three months later, I feel really good about the place I'm in.

And naturally, TB has been there. We are in a good place, too. I've been reflecting a lot on us (and everything really, which is kind of the natural benefit of therapy) and I still feel incredibly lucky. Not because he is so damn amazing or anything, um...not that he isn't but you know...it's because I can't believe how, after every experience I had with men before him, it all just fell together so easily. I still don't really get it and it's been a year and a half. It's just right. And thank god because raising two incredibly whiny furry bastards is really a two person job. (See, cats.) This is why conservatives insist that people should not raise offspring alone. Although...pretty sure from my experience that two gay men or women could take care of a couple of animals without corrupting their moral fabric. But what do I know.

Well, stay tuned...

(with glare)

I rediscovered Boomshine today and painted this plate:



The colors will look much different after firing and they are dark, so I'm hoping the fish will still look neat.  I'll post an "after" next week.

Meet Byron (Buster) Bluth. He is our consolation prize for having to come home yesterday and not live at The Berry Manor Inn forever and ever.

Besides getting a new kitty, which I have been wanting to do for a while, let me tell you, I had pretty perfect weekend. Great food at breakfast, great dinners, Wasses Hot Dogs, hanging out with my mom, hanging out with my boyfriend in a giant bath tub that we NEED to buy, lunch with Chloe on the way down...I'm not even that broken up about missing the beach due to miserable rain on Friday. I tend to avoid street fairs but it was the Summer Solstice event on Saturday and we all got massages for $5 plus I found this incredibly horrifying mug that I will gift to Raaid. Anyway...good good.

We came home and put Buster in our bedroom because he's supposed to be apart from Hamlet for a week, so they can have a good introduction. Both of them were acting so docile and curious that we let Buster (who at the time we planned to name Skwisgaar Skwigelf) out and Hamlet just followed him around and finally started hissing. Honestly, I think the hissing was in response to Buster's complete and utter lack of interest in him. I don't expect we will have much of a problem when they do meet for real, and the new guy has a cold I don't want His Highness to catch anyhow.

Buster is exactly what we wanted in a second cat. We adopted him from the shelter in Rockland/Thomaston for only $25 because he is black and apparently black or black and white cats are chronically overlooked and unloved so they are desparate to pawn them off. He has been at the shelter for about a year, which is his entire kitty life and reportedly is a lover-not-a-fighter when it comes to other cats. He's very outgoing and sweet and cuddly and very affectionate. The downside, unsurprisingly, is that he is needy to the power of three. Needy cubed. We wanted a cat who would greet strangers at the door and all that and he certainly will because strangers have hands with which to pet and he's all about that.

Hamlet is just Hamlet. Spending his days chillin' and his mornings whining incessantly for TB or I to wake up and bask in his presence.


PS!! This is my submission, from a store in Rochester. I took it sometime around my birthday maybe, or one of the times I was picking up my a-hole car from the garage.

- On April 21, after watching the Shop At Home Network and being made to feel really enthusiastic about squares, I ordered the Flipfold from a different website. I haven't used it one single time.

- While I was watching a DVD on our big, fancy TV yesterday, it randomly started making sparks as the picture went black. I think somehow I insulted it and it's my fault.

- I'm most upset about not being able to play Rock Band 2 on it (at least until it's fixed).

- I do socialize rarely with some friends who live near us but basically when I'm not working my life consists of lazing about to relax or spending time with my boyfriend. I'm fine with that.

- We are visiting my mom next weekend in Rockland because her birthday is Sunday and that's nice for her and everything but the real purpose is for me to have a mini-vacation to hold me over until August and to have sex with my boyfriend at a nice bed and breakfast with a giant bath tub.

- Perhaps in the giant bath tub.

- I bought a 30 gb (1st generation) Zune and I like it.

- I pre-ordered the Sims 3 for release date delivery and played it for at least three hours yesterday.

- My dad had to do some more work on my car and towed it to his garage so I haven't had it for almost two weeks. I want it back because I want it to be fixed but I selfishly am kinda enjoying using TB's car so much. It has cup holders! Was produced after the year 2000! Maybe he'll trade with me.

- I really really like it when my house is clean. It seems my previously undiscovered dream job is stay-at-home girlfriend. Seriously. I would love to clean the house, do laundry, browse the internet, and wait for my significant other to return. Alas, it conflicts with my feminist principles and TB's desire to have a girlfriend who contributes to society.

I was looking back on entries from this summer last night and it finally pushed me to update. I don't know why it seemed easier to write when I had 10 times as many frustrations and spend 50% of the time being miserable but there you go. Well, actually, it makes sense that I was driven more then because I needed an outlet. But I still have loads of stuff inside me that I'm just dying to spew all over the internet so no worries!

Actually, I'm supposed to be unpacking and organizing and cleaning right now. What, you say, didn't she move in December? Indeed, I did. But because I am me, when we had a pile of stuff in our dining room that needed to be moved and put away after the move, the whole concept of doing it on my days off or in little increments was highly unappealing and slightly overwhelming. I decided it would be better to get it all done at once so here I am on vacation from work, determined to finish in a couple of days. (It's more than unpacking now because we started out unorganized and lived that way for four months and so, you know...chaos.) Technically, I'm procrastinating by doing this instead of working on the living room. Some things just don't change.

Other things really have. Our one year anniversary is next week. "Our" being my boyfriend and I. It seems surreal to me that so much time has gone by. A year sounds like a lot but it doesn't quite feel like it. I still like him though. He also took this week off so TEAMWORK! Sucks when one of your teammates likes to take a lot of breaks and update their livejournal though. (Again, how I roll.)

Speaking of, I opened a Wordpress account a long time ago planning to move this baby but it didn't happen. Might sometime in the future.

So I've been working at the same place for about six months and it's hard to explain my work life as it vacillates between incredibly stressful or pretty ok. I have met some great people though. Really my friend network since I've moved consists of the few people I work with and people from TB's work who get together for Rock Band parties. It's more fun than it sounds. Thankfully, Raaid has now moved in with his boyfriend and is very nearby too.

I think I mentioned before, in January we adopted a dog from the shelter and after a couple months we just had to give up and admit she wasn't the dog for us. We found a great home for her though and those people really love and appreciate her. The whole experience was really stressful and unfun, besides that I hated making the wrong choice and failing and not having an adorable dog that I loved. Seriously, who loves animals more than me? I'm not saying she was unlovable because her new owners certainly love her but jesus...I guess it boils down to incompatibility. I was sad that we kinda failed and had to let her go but it's been a relief to go back to a one-pet household. I want another cat - hello! Willy Wijacks - but TB is so not on board.

Things are just moving along and with out much excitement. My car is acting up recently so I hope to find time this week to have my dad look at it. We also want to have a kind of housewarming party this weekend because we haven't been able to yet (re: filthy disorganized mess). Plus I want people to come visit me, and to go visit some relatives and drag TB with me. It's a lot to cram into one vacation. Especially if I don't get started on this living room.

I'm still here just working, playing house, and trying to find the motivation to unpack. Substance! Coming soon to a blog near you!

Then (June, 2006; Rockland, ME):



Now (November 2008; Here, MA):

1. What is your occupation right now? Residential counselor. I absolutely love my job. How bizarre and unprecedented is that?

2. What color are your socks right now? Black.

3. What are you listening to right now? People's Court. It's basic cable's fault! I have no daytime tv options. Don't judge.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Frozen pizza from Trader Joe's.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Nope.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Receptionist at my possible new doctor's office. Health insurance!

8. How old are you today? 22.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? All are unbearable on TV.

13. What is the last movie you watched? Bits of The Notebook (at work).

14. favorite day of the year? Christmas. IT'SHAPPENINGSOONIT'SHAPPENINGSOON!

15. How do you vent anger? Hulk-style. No, actually... I really don't know. I guess my current preference is to get some privacy and cry.

17. What is your favorite season? Autumn/Spring.

22. Living arrangements? In sin and awesome. I always thought I wanted to live alone but I love having someone to come home to. I haven't felt weird about sharing space and our schedules are different enough that, if anything, I want to see him more. Also I love almost everything about him and I could easily see myself doing this for the rest of my life and sometimes I can't believe my luck. Also it's nice to share the parenting of Hamlet with someone because that cat is an emotional handful.

We are, however, having bad bad luck on the real estate front. After waiting a month to accommodate our d-bag sellers, our closing date was supposed to be the 13th. Now, oh, they don't really feel like selling at all. Contract Schmontract. TB's options are limited and though we can threaten legal action we can't follow through so it looks like the search begins all over again AND oops, not moving this weekend after all most likely. (I wish I believed in a Christian afterlife because then I could use the phrase "special place in hell" here.)

23. When was the last time you cried? Saturday morning.

24. What is on the floor of your closet? Currently don't really have a closet, was planning on boyfriend buying not one but two closets but re: real estate bullshit will continue to live out of laundry baskets.

But I do have a car (that works!) now and it's pretty. It needs a new brake router and doesn't squirt windshield wiper fluid but those are easy fixes and it otherwise seems to be in good shape. It's a '96 which officially makes it the newest car I've ever owned. No joke.

26. What did you do last night? Worked late defusing volatile adolescent emotions, cuddled with my man, played with my cat.

27. What are you most afraid of? Not being able to manage my debt.

29. Favorite dog breed? We want to adopt a shelter dog and I am not super picky but I have a soft-spot for Mini Schnauzers. I loved my Italian Greyhound and my mom's but they are notorious hard to house train. Basically, TB and I can agree on a middle-sized breed who is not a puppy, already trained, and ok around cats.

31. How many states have you lived in? Three now.

33. What is your favorite flower? Lilacs.

35. Were would you like to go you haven't been? North Carolina to visit my wayward sister. Atlanta and Baltimore to visit some big ass aquariums, also maybe the aquarium in Monterey, CA. Some places in Europe, Asia. Basically, anywhere I can get to.

I've had an action-packed day, but I will start with last night. Holy elation, Batman! I spent the evening watching the returns with TB at Uno's, while drinking and eating a giant cookie sundae, and then Obama's acceptance speech back at home and it was just...blissful. I still can't believe that it actually happened. And for the first time in my life, I feel that this flawed political system actually functioned in the way it was meant to; and that the American values that have been perverted or ignored in the past 8 years can be reclaimed. Slowly the significance of it all is sinking in. Going into this election, I was always going to be this passionate because this race was always going to be significant, regardless of the nominee. (I would have wholeheartedly supported Joe Biden even, and god knows he isn't the most inspiring of politicians.) It wasn't really until today that I considered the importance of Barack Obama as a man. Truly, it's remarkable that we won this presidential race, and it has restored a lot of my faith in people. I'm proud to have helped elect him. I'm proud to have witnessed it.

I wish I could say that the whole of the election was so positive but in terms of GLBT issues, the results are dismal. (Also for straight but unmarried or single would-be adoptees in Arkansas, apparently. How enlightened.) Honestly, I almost forgot about proposition 8 and Florida and Arizona in my election joy. I'm still happy about the victories, of course, but this is a heavy reminder of how much there is to fix, and how long it might take. In every respect, I am hoping for the best.

TB has embraced the presence of Hamlet and I'm taking the fact that his love for the little fellow rivals my own as proof that I'm not crazy and that Hamlet simply just is that adorable.

Only seeing Bill Clinton in Nashua (whilst getting paid) yesterday. It was great. A rally turned out to be just what I needed to tide me over until tomorrow is over and American voters make the right choice (or inspire me to cry for 12 hours straight, whichever). Seriously, I couldn't have been more anxious and I'm still anxious but at least temporarily I got to experience the high that comes from political camaraderie and pure, unadulterated optimism.

This election is so important. Yes, I'm incredibly invested in it, but everyone should be. McCain is dangerous. To everything America is supposed to be for- from civil liberties, personal and economic freedom, tolerance, to being a positive influence on the world -and yet somehow his campaign has the audacity to talk about "real America" and appeal to every xenophobic, paranoid, radical prejudice that exists here and claim to represent family values, patriotism, and that he is some sort of humble everyman. I am fucking sick of it.

So that's that and I'm hoping for the best.

On my way home from work tonight I skipped past The Killers in favor of that song about "oo, oo, I can't believe it, she all on me" and "I could put you in a condo in Toronto" and whatnot. These teenagers have seriously been a bad influence on me.

- Um, Pepsi, Please explain yourself. The sexist ad is especially disturbing in conjunction with the other two, because of the obvious role filled by the model. Pepsi, in exchange for lifeguard shirt/keys/astronaut suit, as a means to resuscitate an unconscious hottie/eat bananas/ride on a spaceship. So she's not only an object, but one that's conveniently rapeable. (Update: Thank god, I can still drink Diet Pepsi with out guilt.)

- "John McCain Not Going to Ask Cindy McCain Twice."

- Ok, I find this ad really offensive and I'm no longer amused by all the slippery-slope "they'll marry dogs next!" arguments because the logic is so damn stupid but I'm sorry, something about the Chinesetasticness of it is seriously adorable. I'm racist.

- And, in unadorable Chinese homophobia.

- I am so obsessed with cake blogs as of late. This is supercute, and I love this and this (Wii!), but my favorite for somewhat traditional wedding cakes is I think this bakery.

- So awesome. They also did "Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears, but I'm liking "Take On Me" more because pipewrench beats Dave Coulier.

- Apparently, it's not just his recent desperation, John McCain is an angry dude in general. And, as if you didn't probably already know, or you know someone who doesn't know, or you are actually somehow undecided, this article she links to is a good, thorough piece about McCain v. Obama and why the choice is, like, obvious. Etc, etc... Wake me up when it's November 5th, please.

- "Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with 'See Me After Class.'" I love defective yeti.

- Ooooo, fun!

- Milk looks good.

And, at last, my starred list in Google Reader has been cleared. Huzzah!

Uno week down of my new job and also of my new cohabitation up in this bitch. (Yeah I don't know. I'm experimenting with language!) So far things are going smoothly all around, but I work a lot of hours now and a lot of late nights so I haven't had time to process let alone write crap about it. I am hoping to consolidate my loans, possibly defer them, and buy a new (heavily used) car.

Today a waitress dropped a glass of water on my lap.

Hamlet went to the vet yesterday for his shots and whatnot. He apparently had a worm incident a few weeks ago so I wanted them to check his stool. I painstakingly evaluated the litter box Thursday night, trying to pick the freshest specimins to keep in the fridge. Well, as he was being poked and prodded, the vet tech popped in with my zip lock bag of filth to say, "These are actually all urine clumps." "Oh!" I laughed, "Oops. I shouldn't have let my boyfriend get them but I didn't want to touch it!" Ha. One week in and already I am deviously reaping the benefits of a live-in scapegoat.

I worked late tonight but I have the next two days off so now I'm either off to go Wii until my little heart can't take it anymore or sneak into bed.